Problem
Revising a Paragraph
Read the paragraph carefully, and consider some of the specific ways in which it might be improved. Then answer the questions that follow the paragraph.
Augusta, Kentucky
I grew up in a poor family in a poor town. We did not have much money or many of the good things in life, but we did have one another. One year, the flood wiped out our home. It fact, it wiped out all of River Street. I'll never forget the morning I saw River Street for the last time. The river was on one side of the street, and the houses were on the other. We lived in one of these houses before the flood hit. There was mud on the walls of the houses, and many windows were broken. The roofs were in terrible shape. There were many gigantic trees. Children were still playing here, and I remember hearing music. There was a bar at the end of the street and after that a lot of weeds. The whole scene was pretty desolate.
Revision Questions
A. When you first read the title, what do you think the paragraph will be about? When you first read the first sentence, what do you think the paragraph will be about? Does the paragraph begin with a clearly focused topic sentence? Do you think any of the opening sentences in this draft could be eliminated?
B. What particular place is the writer attempting to describe?
C. What is the dominant mood or feeling that the writer is trying to evoke?
D. Using your answers to questions 2 and 3, create an effective topic sentence.
E. What are some of the items that need to be described in more detail?
F. Can you suggest a more appropriate title?
G. Are there any other unnecessary details in the paragraph?