Problem
Begin by describing what the issues are with the exchange, from your point of view, and which identity you're assuming as you prepare your script of what you would say. (Are you the victim at whom the hurtful words were directed or are you someone else, a third party in the scene?)
Here are some potentially helpful strategies:
• Use questions such as "Why do you say that?" and "Do you feel that way about every person in that group?"
• Ask the person to consider whether their statements are consistent with their generally positive selfimage, e.g. "I'm surprised to hear you say that, because I've always thought of you as someone who is very open-minded."
• Put the emphasis on how the statement makes you feel (e.g. "It makes me uncomfortable to hear that") rather than how to behave (e.g. "That's not how you should be speaking at the Thanksgiving dinner table."
• Approach the other person with respect rather than self-righteous indignation, e.g. "How dare you say that?" Other considerations:
• Is the most effective response an immediate one, or is it better to wait?
• Are public responses more effective than private responses?
• Are there situations in which it is best not to respond? Would confrontation or dialogue with the aggressor somehow make things worse for the target?
• What is lost or risked if you just let the remark go, and assume the posture, "Nothing I say would make a difference" or "It's not my place to say anything?"
Scenario: You are in line, waiting to cash out at the pharmacy. Another variant is making its way around the community so most people are wearing masks in the store. An elderly Asian Canadian man, masked, is standing in line six feet ahead of you, carrying a few items in a basket. A Canadian woman of European descent, also masked, approaches the man and yells, "You're the infection. You brought the virus here! Go home. We don't want you here!" You feel deeply uncomfortable. The elderly man of Asian heritage offers no response. Two meters beyond the spot where the man is standing, the cashier, a young woman of European descent, likely in her late teens or early twenties, is watching this scene unfold, looking anxious and flustered on the other side of the plexiglass. You look around, wondering what (if anything) you should do.