Problem
Can you tell me what I did wrong and how I could have written this better? I chose the topic 'The Benefits of Domestic Technology" and this is what I wrote as my Introduction with my Thesis statement as the last sentence in the paragraph.
This is what I wrote and the Assignment question is at the bottom.
Benefits of Domestic Technology
Technology has become an essential part of our lives. The use of Technology in the household has increased over the past century. Appliances that were once a luxury have become available and affordable to many. Some examples are refrigerators, washers, dryers, ovens, microwaves, air-fryers, vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, telephones, camera doorbells, and smart appliances. Household chores that were once rigorous can now be completed with ease with the help of household appliances. Imagine a mother of four children, who wants to cook, do laundry, feed the kids, and clean the house while making sure that the kids are safe. Technology has come to the rescue. It makes all of these possible. It transforms the mother into a superwoman. Although there is a widespread concern that technology encourages laziness, domestic technology saves time and money, increases safety and productivity, and improves the quality of life.
Here is my Instructor's comment: "Interesting topic selection with technological relevance.
However, you were required to present a thesis statement (one or two lines of objectives) along with a short introduction. Frame the paper into several subtopics and try incorporating critical inputs too with APA citation."
Here's the Assignment question: We learned about a Thesis and an Introduction last week. For your Learning Journal assignment, you will create your own Thesis and Introduction for your own research paper. The introduction should be at least 1 paragraph long and can be as long as 4 paragraphs. Remember, you can use this link to help you: https://writingcenter.uagc.edu/thesis-generator
An outline for the paper is optional, but it will help you craft your ideas later.
Your instructor will use the following rubric to grade your Learning Journal:
• Aspect I: Does the student have a thesis and introduction?
• Aspect II: How strong is the thesis? Is it more appropriate for a 5 paragraph essay instead of a research paper? Are there things the student should expand or drawback?
• Aspect III: Focusing only on the introduction, does the introduction give a proper map to the rest of the paper? Does it discuss the thesis in enough detail? Are there things the student can add in to strengthen the introduction?
• Aspect IV: Is this a work of original thought? Has the student used a solid analysis of the topic to bring about his or her thesis?
• Aspect V: How free of spelling and grammar issues is the introduction? Are there repeating errors that can be pointed out?